


Do they even love me?

by asilelili



Category: VIXX
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, I'm sorry about this, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 01:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12495544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilelili/pseuds/asilelili
Summary: They were all gone. No schedule for today and as always they had all left and made up a stupid excuse not to hang out with him. He was again left alone. They didn’t even text him; they wouldn’t care if he was wrapped inside his covers crying. Well… actually he was. All the bad thoughts he had tried to keep away from his mind attacking him. It hurt so badly





	Do they even love me?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I'm so sorry about this fic. even more considering it's the first one I post here.  
> But it's one of the few I have actually finished and I have to say... I might have an unhealthy thing for writing Hakyeon hurting... 
> 
> oh and also  
> -TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempt  
> -Highly potential sad ending 
> 
> You have been warned!

_Come on hyung! Don’t be so clingy it’s so annoying!!_

But all he wanted was comfort…

_Hahahaha Jaewhan hyung! Look at Hakyeon hyung in this pic with us!! He’s so dark!!_

_Hahahaha you’re right Wonshik!!! So funny!!!_

As if he wasn’t complexed enough about it…

_Oh… well sorry Hyung, I can’t spend the day with you today we are going to the amusement park… Hey you have the dorm for yourself today you should be happy!_

He hated being alone….

_Hakyeon… please just stop it okay? I just want to drink my coffee in peace without you ruining it with all your talking…_

Nobody listened…

 

They were all gone. No schedule for today and as always they had all left and made up a stupid excuse not to hang out with him. He was again left alone. They didn’t even text him; they wouldn’t care if he was wrapped inside his covers crying. Well… actually he was. All the bad thoughts he had tried to keep away from his mind attacking him. It wasn't the first time it happened, but all the other times he had manadged to bare with it; this time was worse. It hurt so badly. 

He had tried to stay positive tho, leave them the benefice of the doubt.

 _They don’t really mean it, they love me. They don’t hate me… they are just not good with words, right?_  

But the more he thought about it, the more it was obviously painful: he didn’t matter to them.

But they mattered to him. He loved them so much… He was the mom of VIXX, he loved and took care of everyone. When Hongbin cried because he thought he was a failure, Hakyeon had been outraged and yelled at him for thinking that way and he was there to keep him up when he had fallen apart. When Sanghyuk and Taekwoon had a really bad argument that ended up with Jaewhan crying and the two not talking for a month, he had stepped in and ended up receiving the hates from the three of them but it didn’t matter since they were talking again. When Wonshik had a really busy schedule because he had his solo album coming up, Hakyeon had stayed up even later and woken up even earlier than him just to make sure he was eating properly. Never did any of them thanked him or showed him the slightest bit of gratitude and it didn’t matter. Because he loved them and their happiness meant everything to him.

But he couldn’t take it anymore. The damage was too important. Words had been spoken too many times and the feeling of rejection never left him when he was with them. Why couldn’t they love him? Not the way he loved them but even a little bit of affection could do the trick. He never felt even that. The pain inside never left him. He couldn’t sleep, he barely ate. All he could do was cry.

 So wrapped up in his covers, crying his eyes out, he prayed to a God he barely believed in that he was wrong, that they loved him. Everything was better than accepting the truth. 

 

* * *

 

When Hongbin came back to the dorm, it was really nicely quiet. It was rare for Hakyeon to go out on free schedule day but when he did, it was finally quiet in the dorm. And Hongbin loved that. Not that he didn’t like Hakyeon, of course he loved him. But he was so annoying and chatty and clingy. He appreciated him, just little dose by little dose. And there were no such thing as little dose for Cha Hakyeon.

He sat on the couch and turned on the TV, happy to finally have some peace.

 

Jaewhan, Wonshik and Sanghyuk came back a little while after, all cheery and happy, and settled down with Hongbin. Their day had been really good. Sanghyuk had been to the movies with Wonshik and Jaewhan to the arcades. They were all happy and when they realized that Hakyeon wasn’t there, they all sighted in relief without even an ounce of guilt in them. 

“Oh my god I’m so thankful that Hakyeon hyung isn’t here tonight! I mean… We had too much fun to ruin it.”

“Hahaha so true Hyoggie I mean… not that he is annoying or anything…”

“Yeah right more like he IS annoying.”

“You’re right guys… I like him and everything… but sometimes he can be so clingy… and annoying… and loud…”

“But you guys still love him right?”

A long silence fell after Jaewhan’s question…

“Well…” Sanghyuk started, confused “… I guess yeah. I mean yes of course he is the leader we must love him…”

Wonshik chuckled.

“Come on Hyoggie he isn’t THAT bad. He is still our hyung and we love him. Just not too much of him… like a little bit…”

“What are you talking about?”

They all jumped in surprise… how come nobody had seen Taekwoon enter the dorm?

After a moment of akwardness, feeling juged by the older's gaze, Jaewhan finally manadged to answer. 

“Well… we were talking about Hakyeon hyung…”

 _Oh no not him again_ , Taekwoon thought… he let out a long sigh.

“What about him?”

“Well we find him annoying… but we were saying that we still love him tho…”

“Are you sure?”

The question wasn’t meant to accuse any of them, but they all felt a twitch of surprise and... guilt... in their chest.

“What do you mean Hyung?” Sanghyuk asked in a low voice even tho he knew the answer already. 

“Well I don’t love him. He is annoying and I hate annoying people. I consider him merely as a colleague and I think you guys too but you are too ashamed to admit it. Right?”

Silence fell in the room. They all knew… they all knew Taekwoon was right… How could you love someone that makes you angry so easily?

 

* * *

 

What were they thinking? That he didn’t have ears? That the walls weren’t thin? Did they even know he was there? Did they even care?

He had heard every single word they had shared and every single one of them had left a cut so deep in his heart it would never heal and he didn’t even have any tears left to ease the pain. He couldn’t take it. It was unbearable. He wanted to scream but he was way too weak for that.

How long has it been since he ate? He didn’t even know. How long has it been since he had slept? He didn’t even know either. Not that he cared anyway...

The words they shared kept repeating in his head over and over again and every time it hurt more and more until he was entirely filled with this atrocious pain.

He heard footsteps…

 _Right… I share my room with Taekwoon…_ he thought.

He closed his eyes and faked being asleep. The door opened. And closed. He heard the muffled sound of someone climbing up in a bed and nothing. Not a word.

 _Did he even know I was there?_ Probably… it’s not that he cared anyway.

Another wave of pain hit him and he retracted on himself. Eyes shut, muscles tensed. He hoped for sleep to come to him… but he didn’t even deserve that anyway.

 

* * *

 

Something felt strange when Jaewhan woke up. There were no scents of toasts or coffee or anything actually in the dorm.

_Had Hakyeon not woken up?_

He went into the kitchen to find it exactly as they had left it the night before.

_Had Hakyeon not even come back?_

He felt anger rush through is body… _how could he have done that?_  He was supposed to be a responsible leader and he didn’t even respect the rules to always sleep at the dorm?

When Hongbin came into the kitchen a little later, he was surprised too by the absence of breakfast waiting for them. But his surprise didn’t last long as he saw the look on Jaewhan’s face.

“What’s wrong Hyung?”

Jaewhan took a deep breath, he was angry but he didn’t want to be mean to Hongbin.

“I think Hakyeon didn’t go back last night.”

Hongbin couldn’t believe what he said. Hakyeon ALWAYS respected the rules.

“What?! No that’s not possible Hyung, he always comes back.”

“Yeah? Then how do you explain the lack of breakfast or of any sign of life here in this dorm?”

He was right. Hongbin had felt something was unusual but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. _But still…_ Hakyeon never left the dorm anyway and when he did it never lasted long, never an entire night at least…

In silence, they prepared breakfast, waiting for Taekwoon to wake up to tell them if or not Hakyeon was there. after all, they shared a room so he had to know.

 

A few minutes later, Taekwoon woke up. When he got out of his room, sleep still forcing his way through his eyelids, he got attacked by Jaewhan and Hongbin that jumped on him as soon as he closed the door.

“Is Hakyeon hyung here????” they asked at the same time.

 _What’s with all these questions so early in the morning_ he thought, a tiny bit annoyed.

“I don’t know.”

The looked at him incredulously.

“But you share a room with him”

“Oh right… I forgot. Well I don’t know. I didn’t pay much attention yesterday so…”

But they didn’t let him finish and pushed him to open the door. They _had_ to know. Jaewhan was so angry, which was rare and Hongbin started to feel really annoyed too… _It always had to be him… he was such a fucking drama queen._

But what they found wasn’t what they expected and when their gaze met Hakyeon’s figure, they froze.

 

* * *

 

He must’ve really looked bad considering how they looked at him. Not that he cared anyway. He needed to go to the bathroom…

When he got up on his feet, he was surprised by how weak his body was. He chuckled a bit; _my body is as weak as my mind right now_.  But he didn’t want to break down in front of them. He struggled to put one foot in front of the other but managed to finally reach the door, meeting Jaewhan and his big eyes.

“Hyung…”

“Just let me pass Jaewhan.” He cut him. His voice was raspy, his tone as tensed as his muscles.

He didn’t mean to be rude. But he felt like he didn’t have any good things left inside of him... The only thing he could do was try to limit the damages.

_Not that for himself it wasn’t already too late…_

Jaewhan’s eyes widened at the sudden tone and he caught a glimpse of hurt passing thought his facial expression.

 _Hurt? Hurt?! He dared to be hurt when all he could feel himself was pain???_  He shouldn’t have to be so selfish… but he just couldn’t help his thoughts. He was so bitter, so hurt….

He walked past them without a word and crumbled his way to the bathroom. Once the door was locked behind him, he fell apart. Pain finally emerging through his entire skin, devastating him to the core. Tears fell from his eyes but it only made it worse. He was in so much pain he couldn’t even bring himself to form a single sound. It was unbearable… he just wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop…

_Where did they kept the razor blades again?_

 

* * *

 

“ **Can someone please tell me what the fuck just happened?** ”

For the first time, Hongbin threw a cold glare a Taekwoon that shut him up on the spot. Jaewhan felt the tension and put a reassuring hand on his forearm.

“Hongbinnie, keep the looks for you…” he turned his look to Taekwoon “… and Hyung, we don’t know but it doesn’t mean good news…”

 

“Hyungs? Where are you? Why is there nobody in the kitchen? Oh hi Wonshik hyung!” 

 They all focused their attention on the new coming and got back to the kitchen area.

“Oh hi Hyungs! I was just looking for you, Wonsik is going to wash up and…” Sanghyuk stared at the serious expressions on the elder’s face, worried “… Hyungs? What’s going on?”

They all stayed silent…

“We have no idea…”

 **“Who’s crying in the bathroom???!!!”** they heard Wonshik’s loud voice yell through the hallway.

All of their head suddenly stood up. Panic freezing them on the spot.  

Hongbin acted first. He got a grip of himself and rushed to the bathroom door.

_couldn’t be Hakyeon right??? Hakyeon didn’t cry…_

But as they all arrived, Wonshik felt a mix of relieve and anxiety. 

“Oh… It’s just Hakyeon hyung… wait… **Hakyeon hyung**??!!”

“Why is he crying Hyungs? What happened? What’s with all the serious looks???” Sanghyuk asked, worry starting to take over his body.

They all stared at Taekwoon, the oldest one of them. He felt all the responsibilities fall on his shoulders and took a deep breath.

“I don’t know…” he started, slowly “… Hongbin and Jaewhan jumped on me when I woke up asking if he was there… I actually didn’t even notice. And when we opened the door was saw him. He looks quite bad…” his voice started shaking reminiscing of the sight of Hakyeon…

“Terrible actually… really terrible…” Hongbin cut him, feeling the distress in the other “I haven’t realized until now but he looked so skinny and he was so pale… he barely stood up and he had trouble walking… his eyes were emotionless… his voice didn’t sound like his anymore and…”

 

He got interrupted by a sudden loud noise of something heavy falling in the bathroom and a slight sound of a small metal thing dropping.

They all turned livid… imagining the worse. Wonshik felt panic rush through his entire body and as he yelled at the others to keep Sanghyuk away, he kicked to door open only to reveal the worse.

 

Jaewhan grabbed Sanghyuk and took him in the kitchen.

Hongbin fell on his knees, eyes drowned in tears.

Wonshik took a step back, eyes wide, in shock.

“Hakyeon!!!”

It was Taekwoon that yelled his lungs out. It was the last thing they heard until the ambulance came.

 

* * *

 

_Breaking New: VIXX’s N at the hospital_

_The leader of the popular band VIXX N was transported in emergency to the hospital after he was found in a really bad state by his fellow members._

_We have no more information besides the fact that his situation is very serious but he is alive. His company is going to make a statement very soon. We will keep you informed._

_…………………………_

_Breaking news: VIXX’s leader N still hospitalized_

_We finally have more news about the sudden hospitalization of VIXX’s leader, N last week. He is still hospitalized and Jellyfish Ent. finally made a statement about his condition. According to them, N is in a “very bad condition” and will be hospitalized for some time. The reasons are still unknown._

_We still haven’t heard from the members yet as none of them has spoken up about it._

_…………………………_

_Breaking news: N’s hospitalization, could it be overdose?_

_According to some rumors, the leader of the popular band VIXX might have been brought in emergency to the hospital because he overdosed._

_The fans shouted their disagreement and rage to the spreader of this rumor but we have to wonder. Why is Jellyfish Ent. keeping it a secret?_

_…………………………_

_Breaking news: the cause of N’s hospitalization_

_It has been a month now since the singer and dancer, leader of VIXX was rushed to the hospital for unknown reasons. Unknown? Not anymore. Facing the horrific rumors running around all over the internet, Jellyfish Ent. Finally decided to reveal the truth._

_The cause is by far the worst case scenario for all the fans out there: the idol tried to end his own life. He is recovering and being treated for major depression. His days aren’t in danger anymore but his mental health suffered a lot from this incident. The company stated that the fans and media should_

_“Let him rest for a while until he is better.”_

_We hope him to get better soon and to all of his fans to support him no matter what._

 

* * *

 

Hakyeon woke up feeling empty. Again. And like the last times, all of his fellow members were there. Before it would’ve warmed his heart and he would feel so good and smiles his joy out. But not anymore. He didn’t have a heart. It had left his body when he had sliced that razor on his wrists. He had scars to remind it to him, the only things left to prove him that he once had felt something.

Today he was going back to the dorm. _Home…_ it didn’t feel like home anymore.

The time flew really fast yet really slowly. He was barely conscious of his movements. Going in the car… in the dorm… in his bedroom… always someone following him. He knew that. It bothered him. But he didn’t care that much. He was tired. He went to sleep. His bed felt strange. _Not home…_

_What even felt like home anymore? Not this for sure._

 

* * *

 

It had been months. Months without doing anything but look after Hakyeon.

They tried to erase that day from their memory but they felt like it’d haunt them forever. Wonshik had nightmares after nightmares. Hongbin and Jaewhan always cried and Sanghyuk had stopped speaking at all. Taekwoon felt so guilty. He started to speak more. To help them even tho he wasn't feeling any better. 

_For all this time Hakyeon had done the same thing yet no one ever noticed._

They all felt so guilty. They knew they’d never be the same again. And they all hoped for the best to come.

But Hakyeon was like a zombie. And emotionless robot. He didn’t talk or only short sentences when he _had_ to. He only slept, ate and slept again. He avoided any contact with the others and even rejected them. It hurt. It hurt so much. Even more because they all knew that they were doing the same to him for ages and he had to put up with it while they only cared about themselves.

That day, Hakyeon had woken up late and they had prepared breakfast for him. They watched him as he dragged is lifeless body out of his room over to the fridge to grab some banana milk, that dead expression on his face as always, and then got back to his room without even paying a single glance, a single _smile_ at any of them.

Tears started flowing down all of their faces.

_I just wish to see him smile again._

They all thought the same.

_I love him so much..._

But it was too late.


End file.
